How To Break Up With Someone Without Making A Mess

Top Tips September 13, 2017 By Vincent

Leaving a relationship is never easy and the longer it has gone on, the harder it becomes but there are ways to go about a break up that can minimize bitterness and harsh feelings between the couple and make the whole transition a lot smoother. It can be especially stressful and tiresome if you still care for your partner but, depending on the reasons for the breakup, there are some rules you can follow to make it easier on both of you.

1. Don't Avoid It

If you are considering a split then the best thing to do is not to let it linger. Don't avoid your partner or push them away as this will just create confusion, anger, and resentment to which they may either turn inwardly or outwardly but either way will leave them bitter and create a feeling of unease between the two of you.

As when in a relationship, to be clear, open and honest is the best policy, even if it hurts at the time. 

2. Write It Down

When considering what you want from a relationship, write down where you want to go in your life and where you would like to see a relationship take you. Make it for your eyes only and consider if this is really what you want. If there are uncertainties in the relationship then an open and honest conversation with your partner could clear these up and if it doesn't then maybe going your separate ways is best.

If you know that this is the right thing for you, write down what you want to say and give clear reasoning. In times of intense emotional pressure and trauma, your brain is not going to be functioning at its best so 'winging it' may not be the best way to go about it.

3. Be Kind and Think How You'd Feel

If you can be empathetic then do so. Think about how you would feel in that situation and try to be kind. Be aware that this may come as a shock to the other person and that emotions will be running high. Be firm but not harsh and explain where it went wrong. No one likes to dwell on their inadequacies but puzzling out where they went wrong can cause more harm than good.

Being considerate of the other person is a good way to show there are no hard feelings even though the relationship may not have worked out.

4. Give Reasons

Give good reasons as to why you are leaving the relationship. Don't just say vague things like 'it isn't working' or 'I don't have feelings for you anymore' as these don't explain anything and sound like get-out clauses. Just be honest and try to discuss where it went wrong. When you are clear on your reasoning you can explain why it went wrong and rationalize how this is the best thing.

Try not to portion blame out and don't take it upon yourself just to make things easier. Go through it step by step and try and do so without anger.

5. Friendship May Not Be The Way Forward

"Let's be friends" is often used in break-up scenarios because of the idea that it is a gentle let down but it is best to avoid this situation if fresh out of the relationship and still not 'over it'. For one thing, it can jeopardize future relationships if you are still close to your ex and there are some unresolved feelings.

If one person is more into this friend thing than the other it can become awkward and harder work than the relationship. Only remain friends if you are strong enough to see them in a relationship and if they are strong enough to see you in one.

6. Keep It Private

Many think that breaking up in a public place is a good idea as it will lessen the likelihood of a scene but it is an emotional and stressful time and people may react differently to how you'd imagine. It is bad enough to suffer being dumped but to be humiliated in public as well just adds insult to injury and they won't thank you for it.

This goes hand in hand with being kind and considerate to the other person.

7. Be Respectful

If you had an intimate relationship with someone and shared time and moments together then show them the decency to at least tell them face to face that it is not going to work out and give them your reasoning. A text saying "We're done!" is unnecessarily cold and harsh. When meeting up with them, make it clear there is something important to discuss from the outset so that they don't get the wrong idea.

Don't wait for the right time to tell them because they're never will be a right time.

8. Think of Yourself

That being said, if you are leaving someone because they have treated you poorly or you feel unsafe around them then perhaps distance is the best thing. Although it is more respectful to do it face to face, consider your own safety. Take a friend if you want to do it in person but don't involve them in the conversation.

Sometimes you need the strength to do these things and if someone else's support can give you that then make sure they can help you out.

9. Indulge Your Feelings For A While

Post break-up, it is okay to feel sad/angry/alone etc. but don't blame yourself and don't think that perhaps you would feel better in the relationship again. If it didn't make you feel good, it won't be like that the next time around. Don't date until you are ready to, just focus on you for a while. Be selfish and indulge what you want to do and be.

Sometimes it takes a period alone to find out what you want from life. In a relationship wants and needs tend to converge so taking time alone isn't a bad thing just don't take it out on others.

10. Invest In Yourself

After a time after a break-up, you can maybe look at the relationship that has just passed more objectively. See what you did wrong in the relationship as well and see what you need from yourself and others to be happy. Invest the time and effort that it takes to make you feel good about yourself and don't rely on others for it.

Once you are better within yourself you will be stronger in your next relationship. Don't go searching for one just because you want one, it will come to you when you are happy and healthy enough for one.


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